Mother of an Adult Babydoll

Today is the 18th birthday of my only daughter, my only child for all intents and purposes. It's so strange to think of Chelsea as an adult because to me she seems like such a child. She still argues with an 8 year old, doesn't drive, is in high school, can't spell to save her life poor child, and, in general, still needs me in so many ways. But in reality Chelsea is a very smart, vibrant, and thinking young woman who often makes surprisingly mature decisions for herself. She's an excellent problem solver, thinks things through, can see options and follow them through in her head to their logical conclusions before acting, is a voracious reader and an excellent writer. She has her whole future ahead of her.

Some of my thinking that Chelsea still needs me is, obviously, my own need to be needed. I think I'll feel empty or useless once Chelsea stops needing me for so many things. To a large extent, being a single mom has been my whole life and purpose for almost half of my entire life and more than half of the part of my life that I can remember. For the last EIGHTEEN YEARS it's really been all about Chelsea. So many choices about where we live and the type of job I've always had are a direct result of being a single mom, needing to stay within a certain school district, or carrying insurance on my child. Now, for the record, none of that is changing because Chelsea is still in school and I'll carry insurance on her for as long as I legally can. However, as we cross this milestone into legal adulthood I feel a little bit of the need for that slipping past.

The reasons my daughter has needed me in the past won't really apply much longer and the truth is that she'll need me in other ways. Ways I hope to be able to handle with the same finesse and success as I handled having a baby or a school aged child or a teenager. You grow as a parent along with the child you raise. I have such strong desires for Chelsea's future success in what ever ways she chooses to measure her success. I want her to be happy and finish high school and college, I want her to be happy in love and successful in business enterprises and long term friendships. I want her to keep in touch with me as she makes her way in life and I want us to be best friends always.

Last night Chris and I were talking about having a baby. There are positives and negatives to weigh about the whole idea so it was an inconclusive discussion. But this issue has been at the forefront of my mind for a while now. It's impossible not to think of it with so many pregnant people around us. Chris's sister, Penny is pregnant right now and she's a year older than I am and doing fine. She, along with Chris's whole family, was over on Saturday for Chelsea's birthday and we got to play with little William - her 1 year old son. He is simply precious and you can't help but smile and want to keep that feeling of having a little baby when around one.

So coupling the baby handling and siege of pregnant women we know right now with the fact that my daughter is now "grown" I can't tell if my desire to have another baby is situational or stems from an innate truth.

I think Chris and I would make pretty awesome parents and that a child between the two of us would be a beautiful human. Together we could raise a smart, liberal, free spirited, thinking individual child and be rewarded of our parenting skills every day in the little ways that having a child is rewarding. At the same time, I think that, without having more children, Chris and I have a perfect sort of rhythm to our lives with parenting his son who is with us only 60% of the time. The 40% of the time it's just Chelsea at home we can live like free adults and the other 60% we get to be awesome parents and provide enriching experiences for Colin and Chelsea alike. In another 10 years we could be empty nesters in our late 40s and be able to travel and write and enjoy retirement. (I can retire from the State of Texas at the age of 52 with full benefits.) Both scenarios have so much potential! It's quite fortunate that I don't have to make such a decision right now at all because I wouldn't be able to tell which part of my heart desires which potential more.

Speaking of babies, Dawn & Jim were chosen by another birthmother for adoptive parents several months ago and the birthmother, Sarah, had the baby on July 21st so James now has a baby sister named Bailey. Dawn is on maternity leave now.

So, after all my wailing over to bare or not to bare children, the impossible what if's and limitless possibilities, here is what you've really been trying to get to: PICTURES of Chelsea's 18th Birthday Weekend. I am a lucky and happy woman with this life right now, right here.

Gotta end with LOVE

This Crazy Life

Colin has come home from summer camp. After dropping him off last weekend, Chris and I were a little despondent from his absence and hopeful that he was having a wonderful time. We needn't have worried at all because within a day we could see photos of the campers and keep up with what activities they were involved in every day of the camp. Colin's smiling face showed up in every photo set and he had a blast. He wants to go back next year so that's the plan.

Something weird is going on at work and it's had me twisted up in knots all weekend. I don't really want to voice my fears as they are likely irrational and unfounded and I think I'll find out what it is that is going on on Wednesday because there's a special meeting on Wednesday that I have to announce tomorrow morning to everyone. I've been trying to not think about it so that all the gruesome possibilities that spring to mind will subside until I find out for sure what is happening in our division. I'll post again to follow up on that later this week.

Chris and I got the first light bill for the new rent house yesterday and were astonished and horrified. $349. That's more than my car payment. I had a feeling it would be bad like that with all the windows in this house. We plan to build frames for them and stretch some fabric around them to shade the windows for the remainder of the time we live here.

We also found out that our back yard turns into a 6-inch deep swamp when it rains. We hadn't experienced a big rain yet until this weekend and the yard was a huge disappointment. I certainly hope it doesn't rain for the 4th of July because that's the date of our big party. We are having a lot of people over - I believe about 18 people (not including those who live here.) The menu for that day includes frisbee golf for early arrivals, swimming for all in the community pool, grilling and Street View fajitas, watermelon, all the beer we can drink, sangria, and fireworks over Clear Lake. It should be fun.

On the way home from Trinity, TX after dropping Colin off at camp we decided to stop to see the scenic overlook of the Lake Livingston Dam. We were directed by this sign which pointed the way to the Dam Liquor Store. We found that the Dam Liquor Store was a tiny little hole in the wall place with a great name. Way to go Dam Liquor Store. And nice sign.










Here is the scenic overlook of the Livingston Dam. It was pretty. I expected to see something more lengthy and enormous sort of like the Hoover Dam that we would get to cross or something like that. But no. It was really just a beautiful day and a view of the lake.








Also on the way home, once we got back to Houston, we passed this truck full of wrestlers on the freeway. They were more than happy to demonstrate their wrestling skills once they knew they were on camera but this is the best shot of all of them with their masks on. Que rico - as they say. It doesn't get richer than that.

The Great Merger

As you might know, Chris and I just moved in together. I have had a lot of time off work recently, which was needed in and of itself, but it's also helped to make the move go smoother. We still have to finish up cleaning out the old place to get the deposit back (hopefully) and we have until tomorrow. I should be over there right now but I'm too excited to a) have had the cable guy install internet here this morning, & b) actually have some internet TIME while not at work or on a schedule. :)

It's so interesting to merge two houses full of furniture and belongings together. I feel like I suddenly have a huge DVD library. Chris found several old photo albums of his that I got to look through and relive this little piece of him and his family that I had never seen. I showed Chris the first lock of Chelsea's hair that I cut off in her first hair cut and the red plastic welfare card I had 17 years ago when I first applied for AFDC with a new baby and no job or insurance on her. There are so many fractions of our lives held within the things in our closets and garages under that which we use more frequently

Part of me (the part who's mother is a pack rat of the worst kind - sorry mom but you know it's true) wants to purge everything! Simplify, simplify, simplify! That part wants to rid the house of all that is unnecessary. If it doesn't fall within the two categories of Form or Function then why keep it around?

I think on some level it's clinging to the past. Some of it is obligation. Maybe to foster a sense of personal history or to look back and remember. When I was cleaning out my closet there against the wall was a little white dress with long sashes and beaded smocking on the chest. It wouldn't fit anyone I know but it's not only a dress that was hand made by my aunt Becky for her daughter, it's the dress Chelsea received her first communion in. Do I toss it in the goodwill pile to satisfy my sense of order and simplicity? What am I keeping it for anyway? Why do I have a 12 year old lock of my daughter's hair, or and unfinished quilt that my grandmother was making for me before she died, or a heavy box full of crystals my family and I "mined" at the crystal mine in Hot Springs Arkansas during the family reunion in 2003. What would I run into a fire to save if the place was burning down? Nothing. It's all just stuff that I box up and move with me every time I move. And every once in a while I can show these things to someone who doesn't know their history or their value and get a little fraction of my past back for a second, just to share that part of myself, my belongings.

So our walls will be covered in pictures of our family to tell our stories. That and James Bond movie poster prints (which I secretly kinda love the idea of.) We'll have two tv's that we don't know what to do with, two cork screws and cutting boards and sets of dishes and tea kettles and spice racks and dresser drawers and desks and couches and old photos and dogs. (Fortunately Honey and Stretch love each other and get along well.) We'll have to sift through the stuff, the belongings, to decide what belongs and what does not. We have to determine the value of our things and explain the value to each other hopeful that they'll see the value too.

There will be a lot we can sell. Our beautiful empty new garage where we parked for about a day is already starting to fill up and only one car can park there now. And we have only scratched the surface of Chris's house. We've given ourselves the summer to have his house empty, decide on a house plan and have a builder hired for the project. That's really not that much time sitting here on May 30th. I'm really not one for keeping a whole lot but I do have things I can and will get rid of. I just had to be out of my apartment and theres some stuff I would like to see if I can sell or if my family might want.

As I sit here with boxes piled up around me and the knowledge that more boxes will be arriving daily until the Wildwood house is empty I have to admit a sense of satisfaction. It takes a huge amount of effort to hoist all your belongings onto your back and move them to a new location. In the unpacking will come more of decisions about what to keep, surprises about what's actually there that had been long forgotten, and memories of our lives-past to share with each other.
So on that note I make my promise not to question or judge any of the belongings to cross the threshold of the merged house and to keep myself open to learning what has value to Chris and add that to the combined value of us as a couple.

LOVE

checking in

This is just a post because I happen to have a few moments in front of a computer with internet access! I won't have long so this post will be short. Chris and I are officially moving in together this weekend and we've been packing like crazy. We have one day left before the movers get here - that's tomorrow. I'm thinking of calling for help on that one. Chris has been amazing. He single-handedly disassembled and loaded up his & Colin's beds from his house yesterday. This morning he packed Colin's legos and his massive - 6 boxes - DVD collection; plus cleaned out his fridge of everything - it's ready to go. While he did that I packed my whole desk except for the computer, plus all the towels & linens, completed the majority of the laundry, finished packing my bathroom, threw out two more bags of trash, and a few more boxes of stuff from the bedroom. My living room is now more boxes than anything else and we'll probably clear out this dining area next for piling boxes tomorrow. Then Tuesday the movers come but Chris has to work. I also have to get an appointment to switch our internet/cable service to the new place so once we move, unless I'm at work, we won't have the internet at home.

The new place it so great though! Since we had the beds there we spent last night at the new place and it was great to wake up this morning in the new rent house with Chris. Also, in the middle of the day we took a break and went to our new neighborhood pool. It was very cool! Lots of kids. Chelsea and Colin will love it there. In fact, I had the thought today that once we have the new house built we might actually miss the neighborhoody feel of the rent house. Our street ends at a trail along a green space and you walk 3 blocks to the park and pool. We've walked that trail every day since Friday when we got the key after the gas man showed up (not till 3:30! tho). So it's exciting and exhausting all at the same time.

I'll post up some pictures soon. Chelsea's spent the last two weekends away - last weekend was her twin friends' birthday party for the weekend and this weekend is her annual get-a-way with the Williams'. She comes home tomorrow and she's going to help pack! It sure would have been nice to have her this weekend just for her babysitting skills because Chris and I have had to have Colin with us the whole time and save room for him in loading our cars with stuff every trip. Yes, we're getting movers but there's some stuff we've taken already. Also, the movers are mostly for clearing out my place because my lease ends and the only things they are getting from Chris's are the washer, dryer, & fridge - unless we have more stuff ready. But we plan to use my living room stuff, Chris's bedroom stuff, obviously we'll need both Chelsea's stuff from here and Colin's stuff from Chris's. Anyway, we've taken several loads over to the new house already. Okay I realize I'm babbling at this point. And we need to leave. It's after 11 and we're sleeping at the new place so we have to go there. I'll be back here tomorrow morning.

Take care all
LOVE